Undoctored, pinky swear

9 12 2008

Have I mentioned I’m a big baby when it comes to being in our house alone? I’m fine during the day, but as soon as it gets dark, all those noises that don’t even register with me during daylight hours become burglers and ghosts and kidnappers and scary mean people who WANT IN and OHMYGOD WHAT WAS THAT? Help!

Tonight (as part of the previously mentioned Solo Parenting Survival Strategy from my last post), I put Ethan to bed first (both boys usually go to bed at the same time), hoping he’d calm down and go to sleep faster and without the drama if he had the room to himself. When it came time to put Ollie down, I… I couldn’t do it. For one thing, it was nice getting to enjoy him without his brother elbowing him in the face or stealing toys from him. He was warm and cuddly in his little footie pajamas, and full of smiles (clearly he was enjoying the injury-free time, as well). But also, having him awake made it feel less lonely.

So I put off bedtime for him for a little while. Poor thing was heavy-lidded when I finally laid him down, and he was out almost immediately. With him asleep, I returned to the kitchen to do some dishes. When those were done, I went into the laundry room to throw in a load. From this room, I can see out into the driveway. While in there, the motion-sensored light outside came on. Which, AAAAAGH. That meant there was MOTION, right outside. I tried not to panic, and I climbed up on a chair so I could look into the driveway.


I told myself it was just a leaf that blew through the sensor’s range of motion or something. I tried not to freak out about it. About 10 minutes later, I was in the kitchen when I heard a glass bottle that had been set out for recycling fall to the floor in the laundry room. Um. Things don’t just spontaneously fall over on their own. I tried to tell myself that maybe they do, sometimes, in the right circumstances, but it didn’t work. I’m a horrible liar. I grabbed the biggest kitchen knife I could find and stood outside the door, listening, heart pounding, for a few minutes while I worked up the courage to burst into the room and surprise my attacker/recycling stealer. What I found was that when you wash a bath mat, and then decide that after two cycles through the dryer the thing just isn’t going to dry, so you lay it out on top of the washer hoping it’ll air dry in the next century, but don’t take into account the fact that one of the sides is draped further down the washer than the other, and so it is very slowly sliding down… well, *that* is precisely an example of “the right circumstances.” It slid down to the ground a few minutes after I’d left the room and hit the glass bottles when it got there.

BIG sigh of relief that it was a bath mat and not a bad man. Then I put the knife back.

A few more hours went by. I was doing a great job of ignoring scary House Noises that I’m not accustomed to yet. But all of a sudden I start hearing this rhythmic *thump* noise. I froze for a few moments, trying to figure out what it was before calling 911. It wasn’t the heater kicking on. It wasn’t the wind chimes outside beating against the side of the house when the wind blew. It wasn’t the boys, they were both asleep… but I crept toward their room (and the direction of the noise) anyway, hoping that it didn’t turn out to be similar to the “scary noise” that had led me through the house a few nights ago (this “scary noise” had ended up being the little clicking noise that the zipper of my sweatshirt was making whenever I walked… NO WONDER THE NOISE HAD SEEMED TO FOLLOW ME). (Also: NO WONDER I AM BLONDE.)

Well. I found the source of the noise. I’ll let you see for yourself. And I SWEAR I have not doctored this one bit. Trust me, I had a difficult enough time just uploading it from my iMovie thing to YouTube; “doctoring” is a skill that is well beyond me. (SWEATSHIRT STALKER, remember?) If I could, in fact, “doctor” things, I would have edited out all the ruckus I make when handling my laptop to get it in place. Ignore that part. Oh, and I included the creepy part where I’m walking from the living room, through the hallway, and into the boys’ room with the intention of conveying to you just how clearly I could hear this noise throughout the whole house, but it didn’t come through very well. It’s there, if you listen closely (I can first notice it 8 seconds in), but it’s hard to hear. Notice how the closer I get, the louder IT gets. I’ll stop talking now and let you watch.

Some “scary noise,” eh? DOWNRIGHT FRIGHTENING, that, what with his sweaty hair and wittle binky. *Eyeroll at self.*

Edited: All that noise is coming from Oliver. He is snoring. LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN. In case I was not clear about that.



5 responses

9 12 2008

wait. i’m confused. what was the thumping sound? oliver breathing out?

9 12 2008

Jeff: HE WAS SNORING. LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN. I guess that wasn’t clear?

9 12 2008

That was scary. It is hard to tell it is snoring. It almost sounds like two different noises. I get freaked out when I am home at night by myself. I am really freaked out at my mom’s house. That place is big and noisy.

10 12 2008

I have done the same thing, thought something scary was happening and it turned out to be either DH or the dogs breathing heavily. What can I say, too many movies, I guess!

10 12 2008

Holy sweet merciful crap. I can’t even watch the video while at work, but I’m laughing my buttocks off over the Sweatshirt Stalker.

This is not to say that I am not a big chicken, too. That is why I own dogs. Although sometimes the dogs freak out over nothing, which is like the motion sensor thing times 10,000 in terms of getting the adrenaline pumping. But even then, I know the sight of two scary-looking dogs charging the door and barking is enough to make even the most hardened serial killer pee his pants. Even if I know that they are only barking because LOOK! A new person! Perhaps this one can reach the treat jar, too! Come in, serial killer, come in!

(Serial killers take note: I’m just joking. My dogs are very, very vicious. Really.)

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