Slow it down

1 04 2008

A few days ago I had the pleasure of feeding my son, alone- no husband and video games to contend with, no toddler with his rapid-fire Life Questions, no laptop balanced precariously on my knee while I typed with one hand and caught up on other peoples’ lives. Just my son, myself and the quiet. As I stroked his silky hair, he looked up at me, and pounded his little fist against me. I caught his hand, and held it, and looked at his tiny, fragile fingers. I spent a good 3 minutes just looking at those little fingers. I realized then that I hadn’t had any quiet alone time with him since we were in the hospital, over three months ago.

With my first baby, I had all the time in the world to just lie there and gaze at my little boy, at his lips, his toes, his pudgy thighs, his little fingers. And I did do that, quite a lot. I wasn’t working, my husband was only gone from 6:30 to 3:30 each day, we lived in a new town where we knew no one; our time was entirely our baby’s. And we seemed to have so much of it.

These days, time is not on my side. One second it’s the start of the week, that dreaded Monday feeling, back again. And before I even realize it, the week is over; we’ve crafted, PBS’ed, diapered and played our way through five days; we’ve rushed five evenings’ worth of dinners, baths and bedtimes and it’s already the weekend.

Some days I feel like I just cannot get everything done that “needs” to be done. I make list after list of chores, groceries, appointments, commitments, and they all come and go. But I am realizing that I’m maybe missing out on something. Oliver is already 3 months old, and I feel like I haven’t even taken the time to appreciate and enjoy his babyness yet. It’s always something, some ‘thing’ that needs to be taken care of, some diaper that needs changed, some mess that needs cleaned up, some errand that needs to be run. And while I’m busy getting those things handled, my baby is growing up. I didn’t do this the first time. I wasn’t like this when Ethan was a baby. He had all my attention, and the house wasn’t always spotless, and who cared if nothing was planned for dinner? Why can’t I be that relaxed this time around? Don’t I owe it to my baby?

I want to slow down. I want to stop and enjoy the things that will one day be memories. I don’t want to feel guilty for spending more time with my babies, when it means letting the other things slide. I want to ‘waste’ time just staring at my baby’s fingers and answering questions about why people can’t fly and how come books don’t brush their teeth. I want to relax, and just BE, with my boys. All three of them.

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3 responses

1 04 2008
AndreAnna

Thanks for the reminder. The dishes can wait.

1 04 2008
Sara

I know, exactly how you feel. I think that’s why it was so hard for me when Dylan turned three. The signs are everywhere. Alex has several scrap books, Dylan has like 7 pictures in part of a scrap book, I can remember the oddest things from Alex’s baby hood and the first few years, Dylan’s, well I know when he first started walking, and I have him rolling over on video, but heck, we have Alex breathing on video. It seemed like oneday I woke up and my baby was walking and talking and potty training and three, and it hurt so much. It goes fast anyway, the 2nd time around it flies. Enjoy that precious baby of yours.

1 04 2008
grammie

You should enjoy every moment with your precious babies. Before you know it they will be having babies of their own and you’ll be wondering where the time went. I love you all!!!

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