The “m” word

20 03 2007

This will be my last post before I leave for Hawaii Wednesday. And I want to apologize in advance for leaving such a depressing post up for so long! But its something that I needed to write about in order to, in some way, deal with things. But don’t feel bad for me; I’m probably lying on a beautiful beach in Waikiki right now…


What a horrifying word. To me, it had always had the same effect as the words “AIDS,” or “lottery winner.” Just something that would never happen to me. To the cousin of a friend, maybe. But not to me.

Not because I think I’m special. Exactly the opposite of that. I think I am so unspecial that I am destined to live the most mundane life ever, full of nothing out of the ordinary and a lot of the same old, same old. And not that that’s a bad thing, by any means. I love each and every routine, predictable, normal day that I spend with my family, and wouldn’t trade it for anything.

But to experience a fatal illness, to win the Power Ball, to suffer the heartbreak of the loss of my unborn child… things like that, outrageously good or excrutiatingly bad, just don’t happen to me.

Until the day they did. And if I thought I was unspecial before… Man, I’m about as special as the dirt in someone’s fingernails now. Jeff and I have been trying to have another baby for several months now. I have miscarried at least twice. With our first, we got pregnant basically on the first try. And now? Now it’s like I’m living in someone else’s body.

Did you know that you can be “sort of pregnant”? I didn’t. Until I took mutiple pregnancy tests and got multiple sticks telling me exactly that, not in words but in lines. Bold lines, mixed with very faint lines. Two lines means pregnant, one line means not pregnant. “You are sort of pregnant,” my 12 sticks said to me. “See? This line right here, this very clear, bold line, right next to this barely noticable faint one? What do you think that means? Go ahead and give it a guess, because we sure as hell don’t know. Go ahead, read through that instruction booklet a million times, you won’t find your answer in there. You are sort of pregnant. Now, go on and get excited and tell your husband, your mother, your best friend, just overall get your hopes up. Or, don’t; just sit there and wonder and let yourself go crazy with the not knowing and the what-ifs. Do something, because you are sort of pregnant.”

So I did both. On the outside, I got excited and I told my husband, my best friend and my mom. And on the inside, I felt sick with worry. I tried to tell myself that the faint line was so faint simply because I’d tested so early. And that with each new test, as my hCG level increased, the line would grow darker. It did not.

I ask myself every day “What am I doing wrong?” I ask no one in particular “What’s wrong with me?” And I ask my husband “What am I doing wrong?” and “What’s wrong with me?” I wish he had the answers. I wish someone did. And I wish they’d be kind enough to fill me in so that I could stop it, or do it more, or WHATEVER THE HELL I NEED TO BE DOING OR NOT DOING.

I want to be pregnant again so badly. I want Ethan to have a little brother or sister to play with and teach and love. I want our familiy to grow. But if I continue trying, am I just setting us up for more pain? Am I being selfish? Is the fact that I (so far) cannot carry another child for more than a few weeks a sign from God that its just not meant to be?



2 responses

21 03 2007

Whatever God has planned for you and your family (and I know that he has something wonderful planned — we just don’t know what), remember that you have friends and family that LOVE you and will ALWAYS be there for you.

22 03 2007
Mom A

Know that NOTHING happens to us as children of God that he is not in control of.Remember,Prov.3:5&6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him &he will direct your paths.” God has a plan even in the trials & pain of life. I’m praying for you!

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