Bright Idea

2 12 2005

I like to think I am so smart.

For example, a few nights ago we were watching a movie (War of the Worlds). Well, Jeff and I were watching the movie; Ethan was playing his new favorite game, which involves taking the binkifier out of his mouth and throwing it. Not wanting to take my eyes off of the gross blood vessel-ey things to continuously make sure the binkifier wasn’t lying on the ground, I had the bright idea to tie the binkifier to me. I was wearing a sweatshirt that has riduculously long hood string things (is there an actual term for those?) that I’ve always hated, mostly because they tend to find their way into things they’re not supposed to be in, like my dinner. But now I realized they were long for this specific purpose.

spider death
I may have gotten carried away when I used the other one to tie a noose around Spiderman’s neck, so that Ethan could suck and play. But did I need to peel my eyes away from the movie to check on the baby once? No. See, I am smart (or just a lazy mother, take your pick).

Another example of my genius occurred to me today while I was forcing Ethan to take a nap. My method for doing this involves stroking Ethan’s cheek in such a way that my finger comes this close to his eye, so that he thinks I’m going to poke him in it. (I don’t actually poke him in the eye. And you shouldn’t, either. I’m not promoting poking babies in their eyes, let’s be clear about this.) His natural reaction is to close his eyes, which makes him fall asleep faster.

As I watched him drifting off, I thought to myself, I am so good. I could write a book- “How to Force Your Baby to Take a Nap”. Okay, maybe not a whole book. But a blog post, definitely. Anway, while basking in my glory, I got up to place Ethan in his bassinette. That is when I looked down and saw that for as smart as I am, Ethan is smarter.

I was wearing the sweatshirt with the ridiculously long hood strings again, you see, and had forgotten that the binkifier currently in Ethan’s mouth was still tied to me. Not only that, but Ethan had managed to get the other hood string wrapped around all the fingers of one of his hands. Luckily, I was able to use my one free hand (my left, actually… the same one that my piano teacher, Mr. Dillemuth, had once shaken his head in disgust at when I couldn’t make it play the chords. Even after he held my hand down and tried to force it, still nothing) to free his fingers. Quite an accomplishment, considering that hand has done nothing more than hang there at the end of my arm my whole life up to this point. I couldn’t, however, make it untie the knot on the binkifier. It’d had its moment and now returned to its deadened state.

I decided I would have to put Ethan down and untie the knot with my other, working, hand while I remained close enough that the binkifier would stay in his mouth. With my head about two inches from his, I began slowly untying the knot, and immediately realized I’d seen this done before.

Very few people have seen the movie Return to Oz, but it was a favorite of mine growing up. In it, Dorothy has returned to find Oz entirely turned to stone. Being held prisoner by Princess Mombi, Dorothy sneaks out in order to remove the key that is tied around Mombi’s neck (the key opens the glass cases in which Mombi keeps her heads). I was Dorothy, untying the “key” from Ethan’s “neck”, and if I made one slip, he’d wake up and have my head.

I held my breath and pulled. Success! I stood up and started to back silently away from the bassinette. And then tripped over the diaper bag. Ethan opened his eyes and just stared at me. “Na na na na,” he said. That must be baby talk for “You idiot- you were homefree. Way to be a klutz.”



4 responses

2 12 2005

1. totally creeped out by the deathly spiderman…see if i ever get ethan a present again (riiiight).

2. awww…tear at the memory of piano class and your retarded finger (it was more just a finger than your whole hand).

3. when (if) i have a kid, i will make you write that book, cause i wouldn’t think of things like using my hoodie ties. i would probably have just given up and put a little rum in the kid’s bottle.

2 12 2005

1. that’s not the spiderman you gave him, its a different one. the one you gave him is sleeping peacefully in the bassinette.

2. you’re right- it did used to be just my ring finger. but i guess it’s progressed over the years to the whole hand.

3. you will so give your children alcohol.

3 12 2005

3. i know, it’s really just a question of how young they’ll be when they do their first shot.

22 08 2006

hee heeeee!

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